Updated Life Preserver

UPDATE

The ILIASM group has a new home. Try http://iliasm.org/

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yes, we have lost EP.

No, it isn’t the last place on earth where people can meet online and talk.

If you have been a member of the ILIASM group on EP, please give this a try:

ILIASM: I Live In A Sexless Marriage

This is a classic forum site, and so far, I love it. (Of course, I was in on the early planning with my dear friend from EP, dan13732.)

For other sites that have an EP-like atmosphere (somewhat):

RelateToThat

Answermug

I’m a member of RTT, but I’m just not that into it. You really can’t talk about anything the least bit edgy there. I understand that the site’s founder does not want trouble. And it’s her site – so she does have the right to run it the way she wants. But I’m just not that into RTT.

I finally caved in and joined Answermug, and I try to get there every day, but so far, I’m about as good about that as I am about maintaining this blog, ha ha. How many social media sites do I have to be on? I’m already on Fakebook, Twitter (2 accounts), the new ILIASM site, and RTT. Oh, and I have a very dormant Pinterest account.

Advertisements

Once Upon a Time

[This is a response to an EP post from 10/7/15
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/7192782%5D

Write your own fairy tale. If you don’t like the direction the current story is going, do some editing and rewriting.
.
Once upon a time, a woman who was not a princess, but a commoner, lived in a city near the sea. Because she was small, female, not wealthy, and not connected to the powers in charge, she had to live by her wits. (She did have some looks and sex appeal; but she knew better than to rely on that forever.)
.
The woman had been involved with a man who was not a prince, but a minor nobleman. However, he suffered some of the problems of life, and took so long to recover that the woman just couldn’t hold on any longer.
.
However, it took her a long time to realize this; and still longer to extricate herself from the situation. She had really loved this man with all her heart. They had had 6 great years together before things started going south. And, for a long time, she kept hoping that he would finish mourning the losses life had dealt him, and begin to move forward again and find joy in life.
.
As it happened, the woman was in search of employment; and a merchant near the sea offered her a position rewriting badly written documents. Since she needed a better job, loved the sea and the coast – AND needed a break from being with her depressed man 24/7, she accepted the position.
.
At first, she was disoriented. But her natural optimism and spirit of adventure got her through; she began finding places to go and people to talk to.
.
Meanwhile, the man had a few brief periods of logical thought, during which he realized that his hold on the woman was becoming slippery. He once spoke of compromise and attempts to see things from the woman’s point of view. He promised more action.
.
However, his idea of compromise and action still fell short of the woman’s ideas. When she mentioned this, he became irritated, and basically told the woman that this was as good as it was going to get, and that he didn’t want to hear any more about it.
.
There was a time in the past when the woman, although hurt by this, would still have wanted to try to work on the relationship, and compromise still further.
.
But each compromise took her further and further away from the sort of relationship she really had in mind. This time, when he got cranky with her, she realized that her feelings of hurt and anger were less strong than the little voice in her head that said, “F-ck it. I quit.”
.
For a number of reasons, the woman still hasn’t quit in real life yet. But she knows she is through “compromising.”

The Ashley Madison hack was vigilante justice by self-appointed guardians of morality 

The collective righteous indignation of Puritanical America is being unleashed on those who have dared to reclaim their sexuality from spouses who think they own it. 

Honesty time: If anything but Ashley Madison had been hacked, would you think, “Oh, well, they got what was coming to them?” What if it was your child’s school that got hacked? 

Disclaimer: I know that in most people’s opinion – stepping out on your mate is a bad thing to do. And in general, I agree.

If you have a spouse who genuinely cares about your feelings and is willing to meet you halfway, my advice lines up with the majority. Don’t sneak around on a person who listens to your concerns and does his or her part to make the relationship a happy place for both of you. That really IS a mean, rotten thing to do. 

If your problem is simply boredom with the same-old-same-old – I also agree with the conventional wisdom that you should try to improve things at home, not step out. And if this is a recurring problem for you – maybe you just aren’t meant to be monogamous (and in a conventional marriage.) Not everybody is, despite society’s attempts to force everybody into a Noah’s ark lockstep.

However – sometimes marriage can be horrible, difficult, and seem like a life sentence. Nobody knows what any individual marriage is like, except the participants. Sometimes, you Talk To Your Mate About The Relationship™ until you are blue in the face – and nothing ever changes. Sometimes you do your best to Work On The Relationship™ – and get no results at all; or worse, outright resistance.

“Just leave. Don’t cheat!” say the advice-givers (who love to talk but not listen.)

Yes, in a perfect world, mates would always be completely honest with each other. Couples would always be cleanly broken up before either of them ever even contemplated another partner.

If you live in a world where it’s that easy, good for you. Could you please post some pics of your pet unicorns on Facebook? I’d love to see them.

Sure – it’s better, when a relationship is clearly not working, to be free of it. But in the real world, there are spiteful bitchy wives who would poison children against their fathers if those men ever tried to leave. 

In the real world, there are husbands who have decided to eagerly embrace the tired-old-man lifestyle. So what if their wife isn’t ready for that yet? A good woman would follow the lead of her man and just settle down and be a nice old lady. You can’t leave a good man “just” because of sex!

In the real world, there are women who never will be self-supporting above subsistence level, because they spent years raising children full-time, and in a capitalistic society, if nobody thinks your work is worth paying for – sucks to be you. And in the real world, there are husbands who allowed their wives to stay home, and (despite marital problems) don’t want the woman to be destitute – so it’s “cheaper to keep her.”

People have problems. Life is messy. Don’t judge until you are certain that YOU could be a perfect saint, if you were living that person’s life.

Who are those hackers to sit in judgment? Who made them the police force and the judge and jury? 

If people think it’s OK for these American prudes to do a thing like this, how would they feel if ISIS did it?

My opinion: if people think the Ashley Madison hack is okay, then I don’t want to hear them complaining if somebody hacks the data of some organization they belong to, like the NRA, the ACLU, the NAACP, the Catholic Church, the local Republican or Democratic Party, or any other group that has opponents – and their data gets stolen from there.

If it’s okay to hack Ashley Madison, then is it okay to hack any other group you don’t like? And let’s not muddy the waters by bringing up NAMBLA, or groups of that ilk. Going behind your spouse’s back can be unjustified and mean, and is dishonest. Messing around with children (because they can’t give true consent) is evil; and it is illegal. Law enforcement is already hacking their data, so there is no need for vigilante justice.

And vigilante justice is what the Ashley Madison hack is really all about.

I haven’t outsourced – it’s a big step to take, and I wouldn’t do it lightly. But I refuse to rule it out. 

That said – anybody using Ashley Madison who has any intelligence at all would create a throwaway web-based email account for this purpose, and make up a fake name. A man who was too dumb to take these precautions would be much too dumb to attract me.

Your reality check for Monday (revised)

[Revisions to the original post are in brackets.]

[NOTE: If you are concerned that I am arguing against a person’s right to say no to unwanted sex – I am not. To put it in context – go here.]

Your Reality Check for Monday – A Rant

[The day this was first released happened to be a Monday. I was feeling really angry, so consider that fact while reading.]

WARNING: Do not read if you dislike profanity. You have been warned.

I’m feeling extreme white-hot hate towards female refusers of attractive men. Fuck those child-obsessed, house-obsessed, pious prissy bitches up the ass with a splintery flagpole.

Men, get a fucking clue. If a woman won’t fuck you, she doesn’t love you.

[You may or may not understand this aspect of female behavior. Here’s a lesson in female psychology.]

[If your wife or female lover is very rarely willing to have sex], don’t listen to her lying bullshit about a more “mature” kind of love or a “sanctified” love. When tefusers say things like that, they really mean, “The best you can hope for is that I love you like a brother. And nobody sane fucks their brother.”

Female refusers don’t really love their husbands at all, they love their husbands’ pay checks.

I hope every single one of them gains 100 pounds, develops a truly crustaceous skin problem, and that their vaginas smell so bad that you need a gas mask to be in the same room with them.

In plain English: if she won’t fuck you, she doesn’t love you. End of story.

I hate those bitches that men complain about, but for some unknown reason end up with and stay with. What the hell is so special about them? What do they have that I don’t have?

Guys, you could have somebody like me! Women who would gladly have sex with you DO exist. Most of us are in relationships with male refusers. (More on male refusers later.)

Oh, refused men. If, when you were younger, you had married somebody like me in the first fucking place, you wouldn’t be in this mess now. But no. The women like me weren’t good enough. We were too easy. We deprived you of your precious chase. By loving you, being willing to give love with our bodies, and being impatient with gameplaying, we lost you to the refuser bitches.

Only it’s really YOUR loss, because now you are trapped with a woman who does not love you and will not have sex with you.

Well, guys, it’s like I’ve said before – if she’s playing hard to get, she DOES NOT WANT YOU.

If she won’t fuck you, she doesn’t love you. I can’t say it enough.

If these fucking refusers would just tell the truth in the first fucking place, everybody would be better off.

Here are some examples of what female refusers really [mean when they say they “love” you.]

A – All my sorority sisters got big huge engagement rings and bridal showers and a big fancy wedding with a beautiful dress and bridesmaids. I want one too!

B – I am ruled by my uterus and exist only to breed. My brain is totally superfluous. And once my uterus has been satisfied, I won’t need to have sex any more. Sucks to be you.

C – I’m on the rebound. Somebody else broke my heart – you gave me the TLC I needed – you fell for me and got serious – and I was so wounded I went along with it. But my broken heart is mending now, and I’m having trouble pretending you turn me on.

D – I’m within 10 years of menopause, so now I get to gain weight and use sickness as an excuse to get out of doing anything I don’t want to do – which includes sex. I never loved you to begin with, and I only married you because of reason A, B, or C above.

What’s that? There are medical treatments for the symptoms of menopause? Oh, but that’s not NATURAL. I don’t want to put those nasty icky chemicals in my precious body! (Note: if that’s the case, see if she’s willing to give up her unnatural car and her unnatural computer.)

Oh, and speaking of icky and nasty – no, I’m not going to do oral! That’s for those sluts who really loved you before you dumped them for me. I’m a good, sanctified, respectable *wife*, and we don’t do nasty icky oral. The very thought makes me think I will puke.

Male refusers aren’t off the hook either. We women are suckers for love. And we’ve been taught to believe that the man does the pursuing. So if a man doesn’t pursue us, if we are smart, we conclude that he’s not interested and we go away quietly and don’t bother him.

Now, if we are single and allowed to date – this isn’t the end of the world.

If you’re a single woman and a man is lukewarm towards you, you can look for other guys. If you’re married or in another kind of monogamous relationship, you’re stuck. You might as well be dead.

Here are some examples of what male refusers really mean [but don’t say]:

A – I couldn’t have the woman I really wanted, so I settled for you. But frankly, I find you extremely unattractive and I can’t even get it up by pretending you’re Pamela Anderson any more.

B – All the other guys my age are married and they have houses and yards and minivans and kids. They envy me, but they won’t hang out with me; and the older I get, the fewer non-gold-digger women will pay attention to me. Also, my parents are starting to wonder if I’m gay. So – I’m single; you’re single; we’re both lonely, and we both want to prove we’re [straight, and able to attract a mate.] So why not?

C – You used to turn me on, but I’m one of those men who gets bored with the same woman by about the fifth date. Sorry, I’m just not interested any more. (How did this guy end up married? See B above.)

D – My body is starting to crap out on me, and I’m ready to live like I’m 85 years old. Sex isn’t as good as having a good bowel movement and going to bed early after the 4:00 dinner special at Golden Corral.

What’s that? You’re only 50 years old, you look 40, and act 35? Too bad. I’m ready to be an old man now. Why can’t you just settle down and be a nice old lady? My back hurts. I have a sinus headache. I do *not* need Viagra – I can’t talk to my doctor about that, [it would threaten my male ego!] And no, I’m not going to go down on you; Wheel of Fortune is on.

My refuser, in particular, belongs in this last category. I’m angry at him because he lied to me again last night. “It’s not over forever,” he said. Yeah, right. Bull-fucking-shit. I don’t believe him any more. Our sex life has been over for 6 fucking years. I won’t believe him unless I see him with an obvious boner and he practically tries to rape me at least twice a week for a year.

And you know what? Even if he did – it’s probably too late. I’m losing interest. See what I said a few paragraphs earlier – if a man pushes me away enough, I take the hint and stop bothering him. If I loved him, it hurts. But I do eventually get over it – and then I’m no longer interested in sex. Make me wait too long, and you lose, sucker.

Oh, and “I’ve got a new medicine,” he said. How is this medicine going to be any different from any of the other medicines? I felt like telling him to take his medicines and shove them up his ass – but I didn’t.

Posted by SmartKat at 09:35 on June 16th, 2014 at 9:35AM (updated Jun 16th, 2014)

This Blog Entry’s Comment Board (2 comments)

1-2 of 2 Comments

katzlaw

Posted on 11:07PM on Jun 17th, 2014

Your right, female refusers just don’t give a shit about the men in their lives, but they are comfortable and like the paycheck so why rock the boat? Plus, they would actually have to WORK for a living! But the men still stick with them! Why?

Because they were there first, the men are not really “happy” but they “owe it” to their wives? WTF?! Just because they got their first? They are owed nothing! If you are not loved, then fuck off!

Also, my refuser fit into category “D”, too. I feel your emotional pain. He was also a mater manipulator and turned into an emotional abuser. I took the hint when he turned up the heat on the emotional abuse (oddly, it was when I started working on myself to improve myself, when he thought I was going to leave him when I had no intentions of leaving at that time, I just wanted to be happier)…life is too short to live without love, intimacy, and SEX! You lose ASSHOLES…next!

((HUGS))

nunos

Posted on 07:47AM on Jun 26th, 2014

Interesting… hmm… See I hear some of what you say here from a female refuser in my marriage right now but I’ve come to accept it

The pain and grief of the bad woman

I’m so envious of some of the wives of male ILIASM members.

Not the women whose husbands are angry and fed up and have one foot out the door.

No, I envy the wives of the guys who never get laid (or very rarely) – but their husband still wants them, still says nice things about them, still won’t step out on them.

These women have something I want: a man who both loves them AND desires  them.

Why them and not me? What have these women got that I haven’t got?

They’re pretty? So am I.

Got a sexy figure? So do I.

Good company, good sense of humor, intelligent, interesting? Check.

Ice maiden who never puts out? Ah, maybe this is the problem. Maybe Mom was  right and boys don’t like girls who are too easy.

Life would be a lot easier if men would wise up and go for the women who want them, instead of the ice maidens.

Now do you understand why I have almost no sympathy for refusers?

Posted by SmartKat at 08:18 on September 5th, 2013 at 8:18AM (updated Sep 5th, 2013)
12 Comments
harveyspecter

Posted on 11:51AM on Sep 5th, 2013
It’s always nice to read your thoughts. I think the door swings both ways but you make some excellent points. Perhaps you should represent the men in a class  action suit for affection?

SmartKat

Posted on 03:06PM on Sep 5th, 2013
😉

Lewjomo

Posted on 11:36PM on Sep 9th, 2013
Trust me, as we men get older and smarter, we much prefer women who actually want us.

birdie39

Posted on 08:46AM on Oct 11th, 2013
“No, I envy the wives of the guys who never get laid (or very rarely) – but their  husband still wants them, still says nice things about them, still won’t step out on  them.”

No doubt, SmartyK. I feel the same way…I see these stories and know some of  these men well enough by this point, they are obviously sweet and giving and  considerate and sexy as hell and WASTED…and still love their partners. What  are these wives thinking??? It blows my mind. They are refused, despite their  loyalty, whereas my H gets pissed if I don’t make his effing coffee, never mind that he can’t bother to f*** me.

Those women don’t know how good they’ve got it.

SmartKat

Posted on 08:55AM on Oct 11th, 2013

Exactly, birdie.

If only those guys would have married somebody like us in the first place.

walabby

Posted on 11:28PM on Jan 16th, 2014
Inertia. It takes a huge effort to change direction with only one thing wrong with  a relationship. If I was to jump ship I would lose my livelihood, my house, the  respect of my kids and peers and probably other things as well. Also, fear.  Should I go through all this heartache and hassle to get laid better and more often only to find that this new sex doesn’t last out the heneymoon (if I could afford one). Or, the sex remains great but new missus is a rotten cook, can’t manage what little money that we would have and farts in bed worse than I do. Inertia… it’s easier to just suffer in silence 😦

SmartKat

Posted on 09:39PM on Jan 17th, 2014
Well, wallaby, if you posted that in the ILIASM group, you would have a lot of  people telling you that your sex life will not get any better until you leave your  refuser. And they are right.

However, since I’m not emotionally ready to leave my refuser yet, I don’t feel like  I have the right to say that.

I will share with you my theory: Marriage is an attempt to combine your sex life  with household chores and a wholesome family atmosphere. IMHO, those things  mix about as well as oil and water.

JacquesSade

Posted on 10:57AM on Jan 18th, 2014
SmartKat –

My own situation is vaguely unique (can one actually qualify an absolute like I  just did?). My wife is degenerating into madness or dementia… and probably has  been for years… in the process, she withdrew from me… not exactly sexually, but  that was collateral damage… but intimately. I responded by withdrawing myself.  I am now re-engaging while the lights are still on, even if nobody is home. It is lonely as hell, but fulfilling in it’s own way.

I envy men whose women are still present enough to engage, to bring back with  tender words and soft touches… but I don’t envy them when there is no hope left.  My loss of hope is circumstantial… it took me a long time to come to understand that I was fighting a condition out of her control, not the wonderful willfulness that I love her for simply “gone bad”.

I love your theory. My romantic side suggest otherwise… I have some whacked  fantasy of living on a desert island like Swiss Family Robinson or something…  days filled with clever “domestic chores”, wholesome frolics on the beach with a  passle of bronzed toe headed children in the heat of the day, and passionate love  making with my work-tone, unburdened-unburdened-by-modern-life woman.

My best times in life were when I was with a woman who (at least for a period of  time) shared a common passion. With my first wife, it was getting through  college (though she actually didn’t share my passion for learning… my bad)… and  my second LTR, we built a house together (well, her son, my daughters and I),  and my current… art making and caretaking her Alzheimer’s father (though  when mine came down with it, I was on my own?).

The key is *shared* passion. If ever I have the opportunity to build a new  relationship, that will be the key. Passion. Shared passion. Sex, hell yes.. lots of it  and good sex too, not lukewarm, slam bam… roll me over… etc. the really good  stuff… the stuff from romance novels, from erotica… from well… my youth, my  dreams, … where was I? Oh yeah… passion, and not just sex…

– Steve

TailTeller

Posted on 02:20AM on Apr 18th, 2014
Sexual compatibility is not just the act being performed frequently or  infrequently.

Sexual compatibility and activity reinforces the bond between individuals which  strengthens society as a whole. It is necessary for ones self-esteem and self worth.

Sexual compatibility promotes sexual activity which in turn creates a healthy  loving environment where children are surrounded by the positive caring bonds  parents demonstrate though out their daily lives. And so on and son.

SmartKat

Posted on 09:29AM on Apr 18th, 2014
TailTeller – Because young children need a lot of attention, parents often find that  they don’t have much time, energy or other resources left over, for anything *but* the children. If you are a committed parent, you will often find that everything goes to the children and there isn’t much left over for you. I don’t have kids, but I have seen this dynamic at work in my friends’ lives. I also now have a much deeper understanding of how much my parents gave of themselves for me and my brother. The people I know with children tell me that they are absolutely worth the struggle and sacrifice; I believe them. If things had been different in my life, I would have had children. At the same time, though, I can see how parenthood can deplete people. I look back on my own childhood and sometimes feel I owe my parents an apology.

saxappeal

Posted on 04:56PM on Oct 21st, 2014
His loss

Hm3454

Posted on 12:32PM on Nov 22nd, 2014
It’s boils down to one simple thing. Some people don’t like sex. As strange as that  sounds, I belive that

Confiding in a friend

So, a few months ago, I ended up talking to one of my IRL friends about the sexless marriage thing.  This is a woman I’ve known for 20 years, and we have dirt on each other going back that far – it’s Mutual Assured Destruction if either of us spills the other one’s secrets.

In the past, she’s been one of those women who complains about her husband wanting sex all the time.  Now, however, they’re close to divorce (that marriage has other problems besides sex) and she just doesn’t want to any more.  I understand.  When I want to break up with a guy, I don’t want to jump his bones. Under these circumstances, I don’t consider her a refuser.

But you would not believe how long it’s taking me to get her to understand the  point of view of the person being refused. Like most people on the winning side of a sexless or low-sex marriage, she just hasn’t understood how terrible it feels for the other person.

To begin with, she hastened to assure me that it couldn’t possibly be because I’m not attractive, not sexy, etc., but she still gave all the old familiar advice (“Have you talked to him about it?”  “Has he been to a doctor?” “Have you tried setting aside a time to be romantic?” etc. ) In other words, even though I’m not the one who changed the way this relationship works, it’s still MY job to fix the problem.

[Just a thought:  We could make up some bingo cards and play “Advice Bingo.”  File that thought away for later.]

Now – finally – after she and I have been in deep discussion about our respective man problems for about 3 months – she’s starting to say, “He should really do  something about it for your sake, if not his own.”  IOW, putting the problem back in HIS court.

And this is a close friend, who wants me to be happy. If that wasn’t the case, she might still be telling me to try wearing a corset and fishnets; or drag him to the doctor; or [fill in the blank].

If a person was withholding anything else from their mate except sex, it wouldn’t be this way.  If your mate takes away anything else you need, like money,  housekeeping chores, even companionship…. you can tell a friend about it, and they understand right away, and they affirm you by saying something like, “I  can’t believe that horrible monster is so immature, inconsiderate, etc.”  They show you they’re your friend by being on your side.

But if it’s sex?  Not so much.  (Of course, I’m a woman, talking to another woman.  If you’re a man, YMMV.)

I haven’t talked to anyone else about this IRL, for a number of reasons.  First, I’m ashamed.  If he doesn’t want me, I must be [fill in the blank….not pretty, not sexy, boring, old, etc.]  In fact, the main reason I try to look as good as I can is to prove to myself that it’s not because of that.

Second, a lot of the women I know would think I was crazy.  Another close friend of mine told the story of how her husband was always bugging her for sex late at night on weeknights, even though he knows she has to get up really early for  work the next day.  (They resolved the matter by having more sex on weekends.)

After she told me that story, there’ s no way I can tell her what my sex life is  really like.  (“Sex?  Oh, I’ve been spending a lot of time with ‘Bob’ lately.”)

The women in my family are even worse.  Both my mother and my aunt, for entirely different reasons, are pretty much anti-sex.  My mom is mentally stuck in the 1950s, and my aunt is a hardcore feminist. I’m fairly certain neither of them would understand my situation at all.

It’s a cliche – the wife always complaining about her horny husband – but cliches get that way because there’s a grain of truth there.  And because most women seem to embrace their scripted role in the cliche, I feel different, and weird, and as if no other woman could possibly understand.

So, when my confidante told me how unhappily married she is, and some of her problems, I felt like I could tell her the truth about what goes on behind closed doors at my place. And she is sympathetic.  She wants me to be happy.  She wants things to be different for me.

But I’m still not 100% sure she really gets it.

Posted by SmartKat at 17:02 on September 1st, 2013 at 5:02PM
85 views

Fictional letter to a sex-refusing wife

This is my response to an EP post dated 6/3/15. Please note: this is FICTIONAL. I am NOT involved with a man who is married to a sex-refusing wife named Rita.
………
A member of EP in the I am Living In A Sexless Marriage (ILIASM) group posted the following challenge:

“Please write a ‘Dear Rita’ Letter.

I just had this idea: ‘Women of ILIASM: I invite you to write a letter to my refuser wife (or the wife of any of the men on ILIASM) .'”

[snippage]

This is my letter to this imaginary woman named Rita.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Rita,

You don’t know me, and truthfully, I never wanted us to know each other. I’m your husband’s girlfriend.

The only reason I’m writing to you now is that he’s here at my place – telling me that he’s left you.

You won’t believe me, but my goal was never to end your marriage. I love him with every cell in my body and every thought in my mind. But I’ve been married before, and am not in a hurry to do it again.

He adores your kids, and wants to be a good dad. And I support him in this; if he didn’t love his own kids, I couldn’t love him.

So, no, I didn’t “steal” him from you. How do you steal another thinking human being, anyway? Is it like hotwiring a car? I just drive him out of the parking lot, and he has no say in it?

Because honestly, I was okay with you keeping him, staying married to him. You were the wife and I was the mistress, and I was okay with that; I respected that. So his decision is a surprise to me, too.

By the time you get this email, you will have had time to absorb the new developments, and think about what you’ve lost.

You lost your yard work boy. You lost a house cleaner and cook. (I can vouch for the fact that he’s a good cook, too.) You lost his paycheck and health insurance. (Although he will do the right thing and provide for your children, so your snaggle-toothed middle child will be able to get braces.)

Speaking of the kids – THEY aren’t losing anything. He loves them more than anything and would probably die for them, if it came to that. And that’s good, because he could have resented them, seen them as anchors keeping him trapped with you.

What else did you lose? After the divorce, your economic situation may be a little worse. You’ll have to get off Pinterest and Facebook, put the scrapbooks away, and find a better job than the one you have now where you can work mommy hours.

You’ll lose the feeling of being a pillar of the community that goes with being a married woman. You’ll feel a loss of status with the other moms in the PTA.

And this may surprise you – but you aren’t losing any of those things TO ME. Not really.

I don’t want a big house that needs lots of cleaning and a big yard that needs lots of yard work. That’s why I bought a low-maintenance condo in the city. So I don’t need a husband to mow the lawn and do some of the housework.

If I don’t feel like cooking, I make enough money to eat out sometimes. So I don’t need a husband to do chef duty.

Speaking of making money, I didn’t get pregnant so I could trap a man and keep him around. Not having kids is my private sorrow. But I will say this: not having them has made it easier for me to take and keep jobs where I earn a decent amount of money, and get good benefits like health insurance. So, I don’t need that from a husband.

I’m already not married (I’m divorced), so I won’t have to lose the title of Mrs. and the status that goes with that in some circles. Been there, done that – so I don’t have that to lose.

So exactly what ARE you losing to me? What am I gaining?

Your STBX-husband is a wonderful, passionate, generous lover. He’s a champion kisser and makeout artist. When he texts me during the day with naughty ideas to be tried later that night, all my senses tingle.

When we’re someplace semi-public and he whispers naughty suggestions in my ear, I have to sit down before I melt. And when I do sit down, he gropes me under the table.

When he looks at me in that way that’s desirous and tender at the same time…my instant response is to touch him. I can hardly ever stop myself from touching him. I love his wonderful male body, his scent, his voice, his mouth, his hands, his…other parts. And I can’t get enough of him. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve planned to go to dinner and ended up in bed, instead.

But the funny thing is – although I’m gaining a lover, you aren’t losing one. Your husband has everything a man needs to be a passionate lover, but you didn’t want that – so that’s not really what you’re losing.

The things you’re losing are not things I want or need. The things I’m gaining are things you didn’t want anyway.