An ILIASM Glossary
The Big Three Basic Words
EP: Experience Project. www.experienceproject.com
A website which has in the past been a great resource for talking about all topics, with all kinds of people. However, in the past year or so, they have been making “improvements,” with the result that a lot of the smart, adult people have left and a lot of immature or less-intelligent people have joined.
I haven’t abandoned it, though, and I probably won’t. EP has been a support group and a place to vent for me; and I met some of my favorite people in this world there.
ILIASM: I Am Living In A Sexless Marriage
One of the experience groups on EP. The short definition is, “Read the group title, dummy.” Let me just add that I’m not talking about a situation where a couple has a brief, minor disagreement about their sex life. This group is composed of people whose mates have a drastically lower idea of how often sex should happen – and who have been uncooperative with efforts to compromise.
Most of the people found the group by Googling “sexless marriage.” When you have Talked To Him/Her About It™ at least 3 or 4 times, the problem has gone on for months or years, and your mate refuses to change anything – you end up Googling “sexless marriage” and finding ILIASM.
Sexless Marriage (SM):
I have heard that the official definition is 10 times or less per year, but unfortunately I do not know the source of that number, so I just know some bonehead is going to come here and sanctimoniously intone, “If the couple is satisfied with less than 10 times a year, there’s not a problem.” There, I said it myself, so you can save your breath, Einstein.
Note: Although the title of the group uses the word “marriage,” not all members of the group are legally married. There are a few of us (I am one) who are in long-term, live-in relationships. When you’ve been going together 14 years and living together 10 years, most people treat you as if you were married, to the point of referring to your partner as “your husband” if they don’t know the facts. And you have arrived at that point if you don’t bother to correct them.
A to Z
When a refused spouse has reached the end of his or her rope, and believes he would be happier ending the relationship, he makes an exit plan. This refers to how you plan to break the news to your refuser that you have had enough of the no-sex bullshit, and end the relationship. However, for people with money problems, job problems, children, and other life situations, it may become more complicated than simply saying, “I’m done,” and leaving.
One popular version of the exit plan is the College Plan. In this scenario, the refused spouse waits until the youngest child has entered college (or otherwise been launched out of childhood.)
A husband who behaves more like a brother.
This refers to finding a partner outside of your official relationship with whom to relieve your needs for sexual, physical intimacy. This is called “cheating” or “infidelity” or “affair” by ignorant, sanctimonious people outside of ILIASM who have no fucking clue what it feels like to be persistently turned down and pushed away by somebody who allegedly loves you.
If you want to argue about it, I encourage you to go to EP yourself and find ILIASM. This is a glossary, not a debate forum.
Refuser: The partner who will not have sex. This is more politically correct than “frigid” or “impotent.”
Reset: This occurs when a refuser senses that you’re starting not to care anymore whether they sex you or not. The most common reset is actual sex, but it can also be other nice behavior like a meal out, a present, a trip, etc.
There’s nothing wrong with being nice to your spouse; but when you’re only doing it because you sense that they are slipping out of your grasp, that is called a reset.