A Brutally Truthful Dating Profile

(Needless to say, I don’t dare use this on any dating sites. “You can’t handle the truth,” ha ha!)

I’m pissed off that I have to go through dating all over again. At my age, I shouldn’t have to date; I should be sitting on the couch with my husband in the evenings. 

I’m beyond over being single, being ignored, being neglected, and having to handle everything by myself. 

I deserve better than this.

I’m not ugly, I’m not fat, and although my personality isn’t perfect, there are good things about it. I’m fucking sick and tired of women who are uglier than me, meaner than me, and more messed-up than me marrying all the best men!! Fuck that up the ass with a splintery flagpole! Why does that dumb alky ME get a sexy fun guy like K, and I don’t? WHY?

Where’s my next husband? And I mean someone I’m crazy about, not somebody I settled for. That’s not fair to either me or the man.

I thought I would never have to do this dating bullshit again. I thought L (my ex) and I were set for life. We did have 7 great years before things started to go south.

L broke my heart, but the worst part of it was that I wasn’t supposed to mind. I was supposed to be A-OK with no sex, and him never doing anything except laying around the house. I wasn’t supposed to tell anybody outside about it, to save him embarrassment. I guess my grief and my pain were a small price to pay, so he wouldn’t have to admit to the world that he needed help. 

I want something for me. There, I said it.

I want to remarry, and I want it to be a sexy, intelligent man who takes me to bed properly about twice a week, until I am no less than 75 years old. If all these other women can have that, then WHY CAN’T I??

I want a man who is between 5’7″ and 6′ tall. A small to medium sized man, because I’m fucking sick and tired of having backaches all the time from looking up at a big guy. I am 5’2″. I could be exactly the woman some shorter man is looking for, if he would stop drooling over tall skinny Barbie dolls.

I want someone with a dry, witty sense of humor. No more doofy boyish types. If I wanted a little boy, I’d adopt one. I refuse to be the only grown-up in this relationship. 

He needs to be my equal. I’m not asking for George Clooney, but I do want a man who’s about as good-looking as I am. I am a college-educated white-collar professional, so I want the same in a man. Besides, you know most men get pissy if the woman is smarter or more educated or makes more money. That’s what ultimately ended my best friend’s second marriage, IMHO. 

Moderate Republicans are OK, if they understand that they probably won’t convert me from being a Democrat. A few little differences of opinion can spice things up, but we shouldn’t be at war. No Trump supporters or Tea Partiers.

I have a cat and I probably always will, so if you are allergic or just don’t like them, I may not be for you.

I am willing to move almost anywhere in the world….except for a red state. If we are “it” for each other and you live in a red state, I hope you’re open to relocating.

And, I’m no longer going to pine for men who ignore me. If I don’t hear from you within 2 weeks of our last contact, I will assume you have lost interest, and I’ll date other guys. 


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Born, went to school, went to work, will die someday. Fluent in English, sarcasm, and profanity. Open-minded skeptic, INTP in the Myers-Briggs, 5-Investigator (or Observer) in the Enneagram, Sagittarius in astrology, Pitta/Kapha in the Ayurvedic system. Likes: Music, books, reading, paid time off from work. Dislikes: Authoritarians, micromanagement, illogic, and asparagus.

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