It’s the End of the World As We Know It

….to quote R.E.M.

2016 has been a real fucker of a year so far.

David Bowie died.
That same weekend, my refuser and I broke up.
I’m laid off from my job as of tomorrow, March 25, 2016.
My hairdresser no longer works at the same salon, and I don’t know where she went. (Not as big a loss as the other stuff…but it goes with the general pattern.)

And now, EP is going away, as of April 21, 2016.

All the self-proclaimed experts and gurus say that old stuff has to go away, so that you have room for new stuff to come in.

I’m working with dan13732 on his new ILIASM message board.

My fiction writers’ group seems to find the first three chapters of my book promising.  I  found a way to make it into a psychological murder mystery, instead of a chick-lit book, after all. The group had some good suggestions, but overall they seemed to like what I’ve got so far.

I created a new book club IRL, which met for the first time last night. And that went really well. Me, in charge of something?! But maybe…

In my job hunt, I have two phone interviews on Monday.

Sometimes, when I look at the losses I’ve been going through just in the past three months, I’m tempted to get back in bed, pull the covers over my head, and stay there until 2017.

But these new little things are happening. And I like some of them. So, I will reserve judgment and get out of bed and deal.

Beware the Ides of March

By this time next year, there’s a high likelihood that I will be dead.

I was in a 14-year relationship that started out wonderful, stayed wonderful for several years past the early infatuation….and then, due to private reasons, gradually became more draining and more heartbreaking. Long story short, he didn’t love me any more as a woman, in a sexual and romantic way – but he never could summon the cojones to end it. He was going to keep me around, living under the rules of a relationship, but without the compensations for obeying the rules.

So, in January 2016, when I couldn’t stand the situation any more, I ended it.

We’re still good friends. In fact, in some ways, we’re better friends now than we were when we were trying to maintain the fiction of couplehood.

But the fact remains that nobody else wants me. I’m an unwanted woman, on my own.

Then, in March 2016, I was laid off from my job.

Yes, I understand that this happens to everybody nowadays. Job security is a thing of the past (even though I’m not allowed to jerk employers around the way they jerk me around.) After all, we live under the wonderful Free Market Capitalism Religion System in the United States. You know, the best country in the world. I’m damn lucky to be able to pay through the nose for healthcare and get a measly 10 days of paid vacation a year. Because it could be worse. I could be working two or three retail or restaurant jobs, with NO insurance and NO paid time off. Or, I could have one of the jobs that our revered corporate gods executives outsourced to India, and be working 14 hours a day for 10 cents an hour. So, I’m GRATEFUL. Happy happy joy joy!

Except…I was laid off by another company a little over two years ago.

I’m getting fucking sick and tired of this. And no, I’m not going to go back to school and retrain in another field. I’m fifty-fucking-two years old. I suck at math. I’m not going to be able to handle the degree requirements to be an accountant or an engineer. I don’t have a big wad of cash sitting around to start my own business; and I don’t have any business ideas anyway. I’m not that good at creating work where no work existed before. Anyway, most small businesses go down in flames in the first two years. I want to work for somebody else, but be treated fairly (and not thrown away like a used condom every time the market hiccups.)

So. I don’t have a relationship, and I don’t have a job.

I could live to be 80, if my lifespan is unimpeded.

Well, fuck that. I’m not sticking around for another 28 years of layoffs and men who crap out on me.

I have made a decision. If, by the Ides of March, 2017, I do not have both a decent job and a normal relationship – I am going to end my life.

What’s that? I’ll go to hell? I probably would anyway, since I disobey the rules of most religions.

You believe in reincarnation, and if I die on purpose, I’ll have to come back and do it all over again? Fine. I’ve fucked up pretty royally this time around. A do-over might be a good idea.

My family will miss me? They’ll get over it.

I’m going to die someday anyway, so why not set the date?

All I want is a decent job and a normal relationship by this time next year. Those are not unreasonable things to ask for, for a middle class person living in a developed nation.

God, Fate, or whatever helps us out with these things – you’ve got some time. No need to call the suicide prevention people just yet.

I will be patient for one more year. But that’s it. I’ve already been patient for the past three years. Enough is enough.

Blog – Disclaimer

Yes, I am reviving my comatose blog.

I’m in a slightly different frame of mind these days.

Yes, I am bitter. And I am a bitch.

I can’t take full credit for those achievements, though; I’ve had a lot of help along the way. I’d like to give a big shout-out to the family members, childhood bullies, bad boyfriends, and screwing-over employers who have helped me to become what I am today.

  • If you don’t like bitterness and sarcasm – don’t read.
  • If you don’t like angry women – don’t read.
  • If you think everything wrong in my life is my own fault because I don’t love myself enough, have low self-esteem, am not grateful enough, or refuse to take personal responsibility for every bad thing that happens in my life – don’t read.
  • If you dislike profanity – don’t read.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. If you come in here, read something you don’t like for any of the above reasons, and then write me to complain about it – your complaints will not be posted, and you will be blocked.