Love and feelings and grace and stuff

I was having a conversation with Jim44444 a few days ago, about my refuser. For those who don’t know, my refuser goes through periods of extreme depression (to the point where I’m worried about him – there have been suicides in his family.)

He’s least depressed when I’m with him. But we never do anything that I couldn’t do with my brother, or a platonic friend. So if this goes on too long, I get depressed.

Anyway – long story short – his depression is one of the reasons I have trouble completely ending things.

Jim’s opinion was that my love for my refuser hasn’t gone away; it has morphed into a different kind of love. And I realized that is true.

I may be one of the rare women who can love more than one man at a time. I’m presently feeling the lack of a rougher, hungrier, more intense kind of love than I have with my refuser. Regardless – it’s still almost impossible for me to hurt him.

Jim’s remark reminded me of this blog entry from last year, so I’ve brought it back and dusted it off.

JennaR asked a question – “Love never dies – true or false?” Another one that I answered where she posted it – but I feel like it deserves its own forum.

I will reply from my own experience – that’s really the only source I can cite with authority.

It can take me a long, long time to come to love somebody – or to realize I love somebody. But once I do – I never stop loving them. Ever.

Do I get angry at people I love? All the time. I’m human, and so are they. But I get over it – usually fairly soon. I might rant, but then it’s out of my system and the anger is gone. And over the years, I think I’ve learned to choose my words, be aware of the right times and the right places, consider the effect of my words on other people, etc.

But my anger doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Au contraire – if I don’t care enough to get angry, then I don’t love you.

And the same is true for my jealousy, my hurt feelings, my fear, and all the other not-so-nice feelings I have because I’m a human being.

My love for a person is like the ocean. It’s eternal. My feelings are like storms at sea. They’re temporary.

And there are so many kinds of love. I love my parents. I love my pets. I love my best female friends. I have loved some men.

If you dump me, I’ll still love you. But after I’m through being angry, jealous, hurt, etc., my love will turn into a different kind of love. It may take a long time – but eventually, it will.

When I was in my early 20s, the guy I thought I would marry dumped me. And my emotions about the whole thing felt horrible.

But I did get over it. I met other men, fell in love again, married someone else, got divorced, etc.

And when I heard my former fiancé had gotten married, I was able to wish him well.

Then, a couple of months ago, he told me via Facebook that he was getting divorced. And I was able to be honestly sad for him.

And when he sounded like he was trying to rekindle things with me, I was able to kindly and gracefully discourage him.

I still love him, but not at all in the same way I used to. And that’s okay.

That love is still in the ocean – time has just shifted it into a different current now.

Posted by SmartKat at 09:17 on June 17th, 2014 at 9:17AM (updated Jun 17th, 2014)
1-1 of 1 Comments


Posted on 07:15PM on Jul 1st, 2014
I agree SK. Love comes in many varieties. Good blog 🙂


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Born, went to school, went to work, will die someday. Fluent in English, sarcasm, and profanity. Open-minded skeptic, INTP in the Myers-Briggs, 5-Investigator (or Observer) in the Enneagram, Sagittarius in astrology, Pitta/Kapha in the Ayurvedic system. Likes: Music, books, reading, paid time off from work. Dislikes: Authoritarians, micromanagement, illogic, and asparagus.

One thought on “Love and feelings and grace and stuff”

  1. (a.k.a. Petrushka)

    I totally agree with the gist of your blog. I can love many people, and my love lasts a long long time. Some people can destroy it, through prolonged abuse, through prolonged refusal to engage in any meaningful way (e.g. my parents: she the former, he the latter) but the other, the setbacks, the odd moment of exasperation – let off steam, holler and it’s over. And the love remains underneath, like the ocean, that doesn’t really care all that much about a bit of wave action on the surface. I still feel love for the girlfriend who abandoned me nearly 40 years ago, I still care and wonder what became of her (sad, sad story). Some other lovers of the time, I’d love to reach out and make contact again but they are lost in the past and even the internet can’t turn them up.

    I have had a few friends and lovers who had no problems at all loving several people at the same time, in all respects: passionately, carnally, caringly, familiarly. It does not matter to me how many friends and lovers I may have at the time – I can love and interact with Every Single Person in my life on their own merits. If I love Erica, it does not detract from, it does not make a difference to my love for Suzanne. Although, either one of them, if they are so inclined, may become jealous, unhappy, aggrieved (or not).

    Some people seem able only to focus on one person in their life. I am not sure if that means they’re broken, or incomplete, or don’t have the inner strength to be self-sustaining in their personality and relationships, their place in the world. To not be dependent on that one [most significant] other.
    I don’t know. There are certainly lots of people around who take that (exclusive monogamy in ALL respects) as a baseline, set in granite, steel, whatever. It’s never gelled with my emotions, never has made sense to me intellectually or empathetically.

    I guess it’s that old YMMV thing …. (your mileage may vary).

    Liked by 1 person

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