On game-playing and The Chase™

Deep down inside, I don’t think it’s bad or wrong that I love with all my heart, or that I like sex. It’s just the way I’m wired.

You hear so many men whine about how their wives don’t want sex – you would think they would want a woman like me. If logic had anything to do with it, they would ignore the frigid women and go for women like me.

Maybe it’s true that they’re addicted to The Chase™, and I make it too easy for them.

But I suck at extended game-playing. I play the game as long as I can stand it, but sooner or later, I want to stop the bullshit and just get to the point. So I end up being honest, and it’s not always fun.

Playing hard to get and game-playing in general are not sustainable. There’s no way I could maintain that as a way of life, in a long-term relationship.

It would mean I would never feel comfortable being my real self with the man, showing my feelings, telling my truths.

I think I deserve better than that. And – honesty time – I think if a man loses interest in me once he knows how much I care – he is missing out.

Maybe he wouldn’t be getting the challenge of The Chase™ anymore. But instead, he would be getting my acceptance of his imperfections. It would mean he would no longer have to play games and pretend to be someone he’s not. It would mean he could relax with me, and tell me what’s really hurting him, and what his deepest needs are. Of course, a lot of men are scared of that. They can’t even admit to themselves what they really want and need.

The right man for me would be intelligent, funny, able to keep up with me, able to handle me without hurting me, mischievous, and have a high sex drive. Those are the things I want in a man.

For whatever reason, I was cursed; but so were a lot of people. I think all the wrong people are coupled up together. If I was dictator of the world, every five years I would call time on all relationships – and if the people in them wanted to switch with somebody else, they could do it without repercussions. (Of course, it wouldn’t be mandatory – if people wanted to keep the same partner, they could.)

Anyway – on some level, I know that I’m not really “easy,” and that it’s not a character flaw to be unable to play games and sling bullshit indefinitely. On some level, I know that my longing to cut through bullshit and be straight with people can be an asset. I just wish that the right man would see it that way.


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Born, went to school, went to work, will die someday. Fluent in English, sarcasm, and profanity. Open-minded skeptic, INTP in the Myers-Briggs, 5-Investigator (or Observer) in the Enneagram, Sagittarius in astrology, Pitta/Kapha in the Ayurvedic system. Likes: Music, books, reading, paid time off from work. Dislikes: Authoritarians, micromanagement, illogic, and asparagus.

7 thoughts on “On game-playing and The Chase™”

  1. Kat, you know me from EP, but I’m not stalking you. Well, only a little anyway. This hits home for me because I’m not a game player. Not in the workplace, not in relationships, not in any aspect of my real life. But, I’ve felt a lot of times that women almost want, or expect The Chase, and I’m not just very good at that. Whether most men would admit it or not, women hold all the cards. I know you all sometimes feel you’re waiting around for us to get a clue and notice you, but at the same time a lot of us men are just trying to figure out the best way to make the approach. Wondering what YOU would want us to do. All the while both of us are ignoring the obvious. I find it all exhausting.

    Thank you for being honest. I would want a woman like you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *Women* hold all the cards? ROFLMAO.

      I think part of my problem is that I’m slow to fall for a guy. It takes me some time. Probably by the time I’m there, the guy is already bored with me. 😦


      1. Yes, you do. I don’t think women realize how much power they do have.

        And being slow to fall is probably better in the long run, but there is a balance between
        caution and seeing what’s at the end of your nose.


  2. Time!

    Where did all the game playing start? Why? One would be lucky to find one who could shed the games…..I’m not even sure I could…as much as I want to. No its not just the chase…..much more.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh gods yes, how I hate those dumb games. Even in my early 20s I used to hate ‘the chase’ with a passion: why all this unnecessary bullshit? The pretenses. Why can’t we put things on the table and get to dealing with it – yay or nay? I will give you a chance or I don’t think you’re for me? Several times I remember telling people that I was attracted to them or found them nice and wanted to develop a friendship with them – and quite a few times that caused them to run like hell. What the Higgens?

    I do so get it with the acceptance of imperfections. I see my friends as a gestalt – they’re human, they have weaknesses and strengths, they have faults and wonderful attributes. I will discuss all of those freely, because *they are part of what makes that person who they are* yet quite often if I mention anything that might be perceived as ‘negative’ I get shot down for being negative, cynical, whatever …. but hey, I’m the one who is actually *accepting* of those attibutes. It used to drive my wife NUTS that I can simply say “yes, you’re right, I fucked up, mea culpa, so let’s go and see if we can fix it”. There was not enough drama and theater to indicate my abject dismay at my failure, or something, so it was not a genuine acceptance by me of my failure in her perception. Ye gods. (she’s not the only one prone to that by a long shot).

    To me, what you propose, would be the _adult_ and rational way of dealing with relationships. Sadly, it seems that the majority of the sheeple are more concerned with being unnoticable in the herd, image, being seen to [whatever] … not being seen as [whatever] …

    Complete waste of …..

    What the hell do you have to lose (from a male perspective) by being open about your feelings? What do you have to lose (from a female perspective) by not being coy?
    Someone once asked me “which bits are going to drop off if people see you naked?” and I’ve been a casual nudist ever since 😉
    But: from experience – a group therapy session where people are asked to be straightforward with their feelings, expectations, hopes can be a *very* scary experience for some – or you can hit the kind of manic atmosphere of a revival meeting where they’re pressing forward to confess. You would not believe the sexual mayhem that can evolve when that happens in a residential workshop!

    Aside: I am sure that many people simply are not able to actually accurately evaluate their feelings. Feelings are somewhat indiscriminate, a mish mash that needs some conscious interpretation – I can say that from my practice in group therapy. Reading Reykowski’s “psychologie der emotionen” (only available in Polish and German I believe) was an eye opener for me in that regard. Extreme fear feels different from sexual rapture how? You sweat, your heart pumps like crazy, you tingle, the adrenaline makes you buzz, your short term memory stops working … this is an extreme example. A lot of people in my experience just feel a mish-mash and can’t “sort out their feelings” without a bit of help, some well directed questions. Fight or flight?

    So how can you get around the bullshit with someone who does not know what spin they’re going to put on their own feelings in understanding them?
    You’re going to need to find a smart bloke/sheila who is highly aware of themselves, and willing to engage on your desired level of intimacy. I find the both the male and the female equivalent to be as easy to find as a needle in a haystack. (which is why I don’t make friends easily — I just can be having with the bullshit, and I can never fully trust a person who is full of it, whose behaviour is heavily influenced by it)

    f.w.i.w. -P.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thought provoking. I can relate. Some of the thoughts it provoked:
    – Would it work for you to let him declare his feelings first at his pace and slowly reveal as he reveals his growing feelings?
    — Maybe you just need to interview more candidates for the position of “SmartKat’s Man™” If a candidate doesn’t pass the part of the interview where you declare your feelings when you want to, it’s just a sign he’s not the right one, end the interview and move on to the next candidate. In other words, maybe you just need to kiss a larger volume of frogs?

    Liked by 1 person

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