The pain and grief of the bad woman

I’m so envious of some of the wives of male ILIASM members.

Not the women whose husbands are angry and fed up and have one foot out the door.

No, I envy the wives of the guys who never get laid (or very rarely) – but their husband still wants them, still says nice things about them, still won’t step out on them.

These women have something I want: a man who both loves them AND desires  them.

Why them and not me? What have these women got that I haven’t got?

They’re pretty? So am I.

Got a sexy figure? So do I.

Good company, good sense of humor, intelligent, interesting? Check.

Ice maiden who never puts out? Ah, maybe this is the problem. Maybe Mom was  right and boys don’t like girls who are too easy.

Life would be a lot easier if men would wise up and go for the women who want them, instead of the ice maidens.

Now do you understand why I have almost no sympathy for refusers?

Posted by SmartKat at 08:18 on September 5th, 2013 at 8:18AM (updated Sep 5th, 2013)

Posted on 11:51AM on Sep 5th, 2013
It’s always nice to read your thoughts. I think the door swings both ways but you make some excellent points. Perhaps you should represent the men in a class  action suit for affection?


Posted on 03:06PM on Sep 5th, 2013


Posted on 11:36PM on Sep 9th, 2013
Trust me, as we men get older and smarter, we much prefer women who actually want us.


Posted on 08:46AM on Oct 11th, 2013
“No, I envy the wives of the guys who never get laid (or very rarely) – but their  husband still wants them, still says nice things about them, still won’t step out on  them.”

No doubt, SmartyK. I feel the same way…I see these stories and know some of  these men well enough by this point, they are obviously sweet and giving and  considerate and sexy as hell and WASTED…and still love their partners. What  are these wives thinking??? It blows my mind. They are refused, despite their  loyalty, whereas my H gets pissed if I don’t make his effing coffee, never mind that he can’t bother to f*** me.

Those women don’t know how good they’ve got it.


Posted on 08:55AM on Oct 11th, 2013

Exactly, birdie.

If only those guys would have married somebody like us in the first place.


Posted on 11:28PM on Jan 16th, 2014
Inertia. It takes a huge effort to change direction with only one thing wrong with  a relationship. If I was to jump ship I would lose my livelihood, my house, the  respect of my kids and peers and probably other things as well. Also, fear.  Should I go through all this heartache and hassle to get laid better and more often only to find that this new sex doesn’t last out the heneymoon (if I could afford one). Or, the sex remains great but new missus is a rotten cook, can’t manage what little money that we would have and farts in bed worse than I do. Inertia… it’s easier to just suffer in silence 😦


Posted on 09:39PM on Jan 17th, 2014
Well, wallaby, if you posted that in the ILIASM group, you would have a lot of  people telling you that your sex life will not get any better until you leave your  refuser. And they are right.

However, since I’m not emotionally ready to leave my refuser yet, I don’t feel like  I have the right to say that.

I will share with you my theory: Marriage is an attempt to combine your sex life  with household chores and a wholesome family atmosphere. IMHO, those things  mix about as well as oil and water.


Posted on 10:57AM on Jan 18th, 2014
SmartKat –

My own situation is vaguely unique (can one actually qualify an absolute like I  just did?). My wife is degenerating into madness or dementia… and probably has  been for years… in the process, she withdrew from me… not exactly sexually, but  that was collateral damage… but intimately. I responded by withdrawing myself.  I am now re-engaging while the lights are still on, even if nobody is home. It is lonely as hell, but fulfilling in it’s own way.

I envy men whose women are still present enough to engage, to bring back with  tender words and soft touches… but I don’t envy them when there is no hope left.  My loss of hope is circumstantial… it took me a long time to come to understand that I was fighting a condition out of her control, not the wonderful willfulness that I love her for simply “gone bad”.

I love your theory. My romantic side suggest otherwise… I have some whacked  fantasy of living on a desert island like Swiss Family Robinson or something…  days filled with clever “domestic chores”, wholesome frolics on the beach with a  passle of bronzed toe headed children in the heat of the day, and passionate love  making with my work-tone, unburdened-unburdened-by-modern-life woman.

My best times in life were when I was with a woman who (at least for a period of  time) shared a common passion. With my first wife, it was getting through  college (though she actually didn’t share my passion for learning… my bad)… and  my second LTR, we built a house together (well, her son, my daughters and I),  and my current… art making and caretaking her Alzheimer’s father (though  when mine came down with it, I was on my own?).

The key is *shared* passion. If ever I have the opportunity to build a new  relationship, that will be the key. Passion. Shared passion. Sex, hell yes.. lots of it  and good sex too, not lukewarm, slam bam… roll me over… etc. the really good  stuff… the stuff from romance novels, from erotica… from well… my youth, my  dreams, … where was I? Oh yeah… passion, and not just sex…

– Steve


Posted on 02:20AM on Apr 18th, 2014
Sexual compatibility is not just the act being performed frequently or  infrequently.

Sexual compatibility and activity reinforces the bond between individuals which  strengthens society as a whole. It is necessary for ones self-esteem and self worth.

Sexual compatibility promotes sexual activity which in turn creates a healthy  loving environment where children are surrounded by the positive caring bonds  parents demonstrate though out their daily lives. And so on and son.


Posted on 09:29AM on Apr 18th, 2014
TailTeller – Because young children need a lot of attention, parents often find that  they don’t have much time, energy or other resources left over, for anything *but* the children. If you are a committed parent, you will often find that everything goes to the children and there isn’t much left over for you. I don’t have kids, but I have seen this dynamic at work in my friends’ lives. I also now have a much deeper understanding of how much my parents gave of themselves for me and my brother. The people I know with children tell me that they are absolutely worth the struggle and sacrifice; I believe them. If things had been different in my life, I would have had children. At the same time, though, I can see how parenthood can deplete people. I look back on my own childhood and sometimes feel I owe my parents an apology.


Posted on 04:56PM on Oct 21st, 2014
His loss


Posted on 12:32PM on Nov 22nd, 2014
It’s boils down to one simple thing. Some people don’t like sex. As strange as that  sounds, I belive that


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Born, went to school, went to work, will die someday. Fluent in English, sarcasm, and profanity. Open-minded skeptic, INTP in the Myers-Briggs, 5-Investigator (or Observer) in the Enneagram, Sagittarius in astrology, Pitta/Kapha in the Ayurvedic system. Likes: Music, books, reading, paid time off from work. Dislikes: Authoritarians, micromanagement, illogic, and asparagus.

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