Fictional letter to a sex-refusing wife

This is my response to an EP post dated 6/3/15. Please note: this is FICTIONAL. I am NOT involved with a man who is married to a sex-refusing wife named Rita.
A member of EP in the I am Living In A Sexless Marriage (ILIASM) group posted the following challenge:

“Please write a ‘Dear Rita’ Letter.

I just had this idea: ‘Women of ILIASM: I invite you to write a letter to my refuser wife (or the wife of any of the men on ILIASM) .'”


This is my letter to this imaginary woman named Rita.
Dear Rita,

You don’t know me, and truthfully, I never wanted us to know each other. I’m your husband’s girlfriend.

The only reason I’m writing to you now is that he’s here at my place – telling me that he’s left you.

You won’t believe me, but my goal was never to end your marriage. I love him with every cell in my body and every thought in my mind. But I’ve been married before, and am not in a hurry to do it again.

He adores your kids, and wants to be a good dad. And I support him in this; if he didn’t love his own kids, I couldn’t love him.

So, no, I didn’t “steal” him from you. How do you steal another thinking human being, anyway? Is it like hotwiring a car? I just drive him out of the parking lot, and he has no say in it?

Because honestly, I was okay with you keeping him, staying married to him. You were the wife and I was the mistress, and I was okay with that; I respected that. So his decision is a surprise to me, too.

By the time you get this email, you will have had time to absorb the new developments, and think about what you’ve lost.

You lost your yard work boy. You lost a house cleaner and cook. (I can vouch for the fact that he’s a good cook, too.) You lost his paycheck and health insurance. (Although he will do the right thing and provide for your children, so your snaggle-toothed middle child will be able to get braces.)

Speaking of the kids – THEY aren’t losing anything. He loves them more than anything and would probably die for them, if it came to that. And that’s good, because he could have resented them, seen them as anchors keeping him trapped with you.

What else did you lose? After the divorce, your economic situation may be a little worse. You’ll have to get off Pinterest and Facebook, put the scrapbooks away, and find a better job than the one you have now where you can work mommy hours.

You’ll lose the feeling of being a pillar of the community that goes with being a married woman. You’ll feel a loss of status with the other moms in the PTA.

And this may surprise you – but you aren’t losing any of those things TO ME. Not really.

I don’t want a big house that needs lots of cleaning and a big yard that needs lots of yard work. That’s why I bought a low-maintenance condo in the city. So I don’t need a husband to mow the lawn and do some of the housework.

If I don’t feel like cooking, I make enough money to eat out sometimes. So I don’t need a husband to do chef duty.

Speaking of making money, I didn’t get pregnant so I could trap a man and keep him around. Not having kids is my private sorrow. But I will say this: not having them has made it easier for me to take and keep jobs where I earn a decent amount of money, and get good benefits like health insurance. So, I don’t need that from a husband.

I’m already not married (I’m divorced), so I won’t have to lose the title of Mrs. and the status that goes with that in some circles. Been there, done that – so I don’t have that to lose.

So exactly what ARE you losing to me? What am I gaining?

Your STBX-husband is a wonderful, passionate, generous lover. He’s a champion kisser and makeout artist. When he texts me during the day with naughty ideas to be tried later that night, all my senses tingle.

When we’re someplace semi-public and he whispers naughty suggestions in my ear, I have to sit down before I melt. And when I do sit down, he gropes me under the table.

When he looks at me in that way that’s desirous and tender at the same time…my instant response is to touch him. I can hardly ever stop myself from touching him. I love his wonderful male body, his scent, his voice, his mouth, his hands, his…other parts. And I can’t get enough of him. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve planned to go to dinner and ended up in bed, instead.

But the funny thing is – although I’m gaining a lover, you aren’t losing one. Your husband has everything a man needs to be a passionate lover, but you didn’t want that – so that’s not really what you’re losing.

The things you’re losing are not things I want or need. The things I’m gaining are things you didn’t want anyway.


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Born, went to school, went to work, will die someday. Fluent in English, sarcasm, and profanity. Open-minded skeptic, INTP in the Myers-Briggs, 5-Investigator (or Observer) in the Enneagram, Sagittarius in astrology, Pitta/Kapha in the Ayurvedic system. Likes: Music, books, reading, paid time off from work. Dislikes: Authoritarians, micromanagement, illogic, and asparagus.

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