To be or not to be…the Other Woman

To be or not to be – the other woman

I’m afraid that my years of dealing with love and relationships have really tarnished my morals.

When I was a young girl, I thought that a man I loved and wanted would love and want me enough to marry me, and we would live happily ever after.

Those of you who know me know how well that turned out.

Nevertheless, I do have some personal ethics.

I will not mess with a man who’s the husband or boyfriend of a good female friend.

I will not deliberately go after a married man, in general. If the couple seems happy with each other – why would I want to hurt people who haven’t hurt me? I don’t want that. Nor do I want the hassles and stress that would come with being the OW, if it was a decent marriage that I butted in to.

OTOH, if a man who was already unhappily married started up with me – and if I found I both liked him AND found him attractive – and he wasn’t involved with a female friend of mine – I would be likely to go for it.

In the real world, people fall out of love with their mates, and fall in love with somebody else. Marriage is an attempt to prevent that. I think it’s like middle school kids getting upset because their BF or GF broke up with them. I think very few loves are permanent.

I’m not saying that a permanent love – where enough needs are met so that both people are reasonably happy – is impossible. I think it’s probably rare – but I’m enough of an optimist and romantic to believe it’s possible.

But not common. And that goes back to what I said before: it’s probably more normal to break up and find new partners than it is to happily stay together for life. Does “till death do us part” mean murder, or suicide?

Advertisements

A new appreciation for poetry

I’m not normally much of a one for poetry.  I read a lot of fiction (most of it mystery and thrillers) – and I’ve tried my hand at writing fiction, but I feel I do better with essays and non-fiction articles.

But there are a few poems that really hit me – such as this one:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
(Dylan Thomas)

Thomas wrote this while his father was dying – which has to be one of the most painful situations a human being can find himself in.  But I believe the words of the poem can be applied to other situations.

To me, it says, don’t let go of the good parts of life so easily. Don’t say, “This is okay, I accept it” – if the truth is that it’s NOT okay and it’s going to take a long time to accept it.

Sometimes life sucks and we have to accept things.  But even if we put a good face on it for the benefit of others – it’s okay to admit it to yourself when something really sucks and you’re not happy about it.

Posted by SmartKat at 16:09 on January 24th, 2014 at 4:09PM (updated Jan 24th, 2014)

1-2 of 2 Comments

Robert09

Posted on 11:23AM on Apr 1st, 2014
One of my favourite poems of all time

diablesse34

Posted on 05:50AM on May 6th, 2014
I’ve always loved this poem, and I love your interpretation of it.

Avis, self-image, and the search for steampunk

steampunk 9My very first EP avi was my real self – at least, part of myself [g].  Some people would question the wisdom of putting photos of that portion of my anatomy online – but I had my reasons, mostly connected to feeling neglected and low self-esteem.

After I got tired of dealing with all the pervs, I took that avi down and tried another one.  My rules were:

1 – It couldn’t show my face (because you never know who might turn up on EP);
2 – It could be sexy, but classy-sexy, not sleazy-sexy;
3 – If it wasn’t actually a picture of me, it had to look at least a little like the real me.

I kept the same avi for months – an Alphonse Mucha illustration (Ete, from his Seasons series), which I think looks a bit like me. The woman has a very similar body type and similar coloring.

Then I began to fear that my EPeeps were getting bored with me, so I decided to change it up.

Now I’m running into the same question that’s plagued me all along:  How sexy can I be without being tacky and getting a really bad reputation?  OTOH, how clean and decent is TOO clean and decent?

I don’t want to be popular only for showing skin.  At the same time….I want people to know I’ve got skin worth looking at.

One thing that I just love is the steampunk look.  So I’ve scoured the net for pictures of women in steampunk costumes…women who are sexy but not sleazy, who do look somewhat like the real me.

And I have to say – what’s with all the goddamned tall skinny blondes?!

No, I don’t hate blondes. My very own mother was blonde, before she went gray. There are some blondes that I really like.  But for the love of all that’s holy – I need some photos of women with MY hair color. That would be kind of a light reddish-brown.

And no supermodels, please.  I’m short and curvy – think Marilyn Monroe’s body, not Kate Moss.  My problem is that I was born too late.  In the 1940s and 50s,  bodies like mine were considered sexy – as shown by the pinup girls of that era.

All is not lost, however.  There’s always illustrations, as opposed to photographs.

Posted by SmartKat at 16:50 on December 19th, 2013 at 4:50PM
1-2 of 2 Comments

1celtusa

Posted on 10:07AM on Jan 17th, 2014
I am very visual person and as I wonder around cyberspace I will see an image (we are not talking naked/porn) and it will suddenly spark my mind or remind me something. so I will right click it and store it in a little folder on my  computer 🙂

JacquesSade

Posted on 12:33PM on Jan 18th, 2014

I love the SteamPunk reference in your AVI. I’m too old for CosPlay or even really SteamPunk as an “experience”, but as an eclectic Scientist/Inventer/Adventurer of sorts, *I* live in a Steampunk world of sorts.

My young protege’ this summer, for instance, built with me an “Electro-Pneumo-
Mechanical” Circuit for making “Digital Multiplex Holograms”. How SteamPunk is that? Vacuum pumps, solenoids, relays, levers, dials… oh… and Lasers what more can you ask for?

She is the daughter of SciFi writer friends of mine, and totally into CosPlay… I learned a lot more from her than she did from me…

Now I want to write a Steamy Steampunk Romance… Have Pith Helmet and Brass Goggles, will travel?

– Jake

My Love

KissMy love is slow to start but lasts long.

My love waits but doesn’t put my life on hold.

My love asks but does not grovel.

My love requests but does not demand.

My love observes but respects boundaries.

My love forgives almost anything but protects itself from abuse.

My love fears to show itself but can’t always hide.

My love gives my body, my heart, even my soul…but not my mind.

My love is yours for the taking…but it will come back to me, one way or another.

I have power? I never knew.

I just realized something today.

Many times in my life, I’ve been told to shut up.

Not always directly – and frequently with subtle threats.

But I’m used to thinking of myself as a person without power.

It occurred to me to wonder, then: if I’m so powerless, if I really couldn’t be much of a threat to anybody – why am I being told to shut up? If I’m so wrong, why would anybody listen to what I say? Wouldn’t they just dismiss it as the ravings of a madwoman?

If people tell you to shut up, that means your words have power, and they’re afraid of that power.

Posted by SmartKat at 10:16 on November 8th, 2013 at 10:16AM
1-2 of 2 Comments

harveyspecter

Posted on 04:58PM on Dec 12th, 2013
I always love reading your thoughts.

SmartKat

Posted on 08:43PM on Dec 16th, 2013
Oh, thank you, harvey.

Top ten reasons why I’d be a good girlfriend – revisited

It has been nearly two years since I posted the original Top Ten post.

If you recall, it was a hypothetical situation: what if I was on the dating market, and I did a profile for an online dating site? I imagined a Top Ten list, of the type made famous by David Letterman, of reasons I would be a good girlfriend.

Of course, people change and grow all their lives; and I see that I’m no longer exactly the same person I was when I wrote the first post. With that in mind, here is an update.

Top 10 Reasons Why I’d Be a Good Girlfriend

10 – I don’t want to get married and have children. The reason for that is that I’m beyond the age where most people are starting a family. I would be okay with being the age I am, and having teenage kids or stepchildren. I am NOT up for being this age and coping with a new baby!

And the marriage part…well, I’ve been married and divorced once. After that happens, marriage loses its mystique. I have learned to be pretty content being single.

I’m not ruling out remarriage 100%. Never say never. But I’m fine with having a long-term boyfriend for the rest of my life.

This should be a point in my favor. Men don’t like women who are desperate to get married. Right? RIGHT?!

9 – I’m not looking for a meal ticket or a sugar daddy.

I work. I’ve always worked, since finishing school. I would no more be able to handle staying at home all the time than I could handle singing opera at the Met. I’d be a fish out of water.

Yes, I gripe about work. Everybody does. But I need that structure to my day. I also like having my own source of money that nobody else can touch. That way, if the man in my life should turn into a douchebag, I can end things without becoming homeless.

8 – I won’t get upset if you want to play or watch sports once or twice a week. I’ll just find something else to do. (More often than that and we might want to rethink this – that’s a lot of time apart.)

What has changed about #8 is that I like sports more than I used to. Yes – even though this was written not quite two years ago.

I became friendlier with some people, both online and IRL, who are into sports. Also, for the first time in my life, I now work at a place where they have a pool for the NCAA tournament and the coworkers get pretty excited about their brackets. I did it this year, and found I really enjoyed it and watched the games.

I still do not want to do sports-related stuff more than once or twice a week. The thing that’s different is that now, I will do sports-related stuff with you. Before, it was, “You go ahead, have a good time, I’ll find something else to do.”

7 – I want to have sex about twice a week. I place a high priority on romance, passion, and sex. And the journey is just as important as the destination.

This hasn’t changed [naughty grin.]

6 – I’ll never make you watch a chick flick with me. In fact, that’s my least favorite sort of movie.

Like #8, this is another area where my tastes have expanded. I still like mysteries, spy thrillers, and courtroom dramas best. But either chick flicks are getting better these days, or I’m getting softer with age. I just saw “Spy” with Melissa McCarthy, and it was a hoot! I’m looking forward to “Trainwreck,” which should be released soon. I saw the trailer for that, and immediately identified with the Amy Schumer character.

I liked “Baby Mama” and “Juno.” I liked “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” I loved “Bend It Like Beckham” (although that may not technically qualify as a chick flick.)

The thing with me is that I like chick flicks if they’re funny. Do not try to get me to see a tearjerker!

5 – I’m an excellent listener. You can tell me (almost) anything and I won’t freak out. I’m very good at staying cool and helping people think things through.

4 – I can keep a secret forever if I have to.

3 – I can adapt to new environments and get along with most people.

2 – If you’re into music – contact me. Seriously. If the chemistry is there, I could be your girl. If not, we could still be good music buddies.

#5, #4, #3, and #2 are all still true. I haven’t changed THAT much.

1 – ????

And – I’m still looking for reason #1 why I would be a good girlfriend.

A hypothetical Top 10 list

OK, help me out here. This is hypothetical, of course. I’m wondering, if I was free again, what kind of online dating profile I’d write. I loved David Letterman’s Top Ten lists, so I thought I would use that format.

I came up with 9 reasons why I’d be a good girlfriend, but I’m having trouble finding one more.

Can you help?

Also, feel free to comment on what I already came up with.

Top 10 Reasons Why I’d Be a Good Girlfriend

10 – I don’t want to get married and have children.

9 – I’m not looking for a meal ticket or a sugar daddy.

8 – I won’t get upset if you want to play or watch sports once or twice a week. I’ll just find something else to do. (More often than that and we might want to rethink this – that’s a lot of time apart.)

7 – I want to have sex about twice a week. I place a high priority on romance, passion, and sex. And the journey is just as important as the destination.

6 – I’ll never make you watch a chick flick with me. In fact, that’s my least favorite sort of movie.

5 – I’m an excellent listener. You can tell me (almost) anything and I won’t freak out. I’m very good at staying cool and helping people think things through.

4 – I can keep a secret forever if I have to.

3 – I can adapt to new environments and get along with most people.

2 – If you’re into music – contact me. Seriously. If the chemistry is there, I could be your girl. If not, we could still be good music buddies.

1 – ????

Posted by SmartKat at 08:06 on September 24th, 2013 at 8:06AM
1-12 of 12 Comments

RealtaReoite

Posted on 02:42PM on Sep 24th, 2013
Seriously, Kat? You can’t think of the #1 reason????
I don’t believe you!!! 😉

SmartKat

Posted on 03:12PM on Sep 24th, 2013
Well, no, really, I can’t. Why would a guy enjoy having me for a girlfriend? I  would need one more thing to make it a true Top 10. 😉

harveyspecter

Posted on 03:56PM on Oct 8th, 2013
The number one reason is that you’re honest about the other nine reasons. 🙂

SmartKat

Posted on 09:36PM on Oct 8th, 2013
You know, I hadn’t thought of that, harvey. You’re right.

Jim44444

Posted on 04:43PM on Feb 18th, 2014
I was going to mention the DD cup but sounds too creepy.

musicbook

Posted on 11:27PM on Feb 25th, 2014
Those are more than enough good reasons! I don’t think you need a 10th. 🙂
(You had me at #7,5,3 and 2!)

0hBrandie

Posted on 12:43AM on Apr 1st, 2014
Well since you asked I will say that most guys dream is a threesome….LOL. But  after reading your list I think your 9 reasons are more then enough.

quietlysensual

Posted on 05:33AM on May 5th, 2014
How about you’re a mature (I mean that in a positive way) intelligent woman  who would add depth to any relationship.

DirtyMartini

Posted on 12:56PM on Aug 29th, 2014
Let’s see, there’s no mention of your ability in the kitchen, which is not a deal  breaker for most men. Certainly not this one. Ummm, do you wear underwear? If  not, that’s kinda cool. Other than that, you could offer that you’re not a “Dramma Queen” cuz it seem’s that you’re not.

Petrushka

Posted on 02:35PM on Jan 29th, 2015
Well Kat, I don’t know if this will be YOUR #1 reason/promise but mine is this:

1. I will not take you for granted. I will hug you and love you and cuddle you, I  will not forget the little gestures of affection like a cup of coffee in bed/at the desk, a handful of flowers, I will say that I love you when I feel the emotion, I  will give you little touches in passing that confirm that I see you, I will ask and  not assume that you will do as I think, I will keep on respecting you and trying to  learn what is in your hart and on your mind, I will not take you for granted, I will NOT take you for granted.

I think, personally, that that chimes very much what you have said about the  institution of marriage in many other places. Because – well – being taken for  granted is what happens to so many of us. And that kills it for those of us who  live in an emotionally aware place.